how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize