evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
