My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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