He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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