Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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