Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
