my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize