how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize