not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
They are going to name an STD after you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
do nipples grow back?
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