Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
