Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
