Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
