i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
