I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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