she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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