So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
