I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
