He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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