pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize