my phone needs a breathalizer
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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