I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
