So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He had one of those small greek statue penises
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
