I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
