remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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