Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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