worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
