I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
