I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
