I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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