Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
