Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
