I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
