I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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