did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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