If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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