I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
