God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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