I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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