He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
