I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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