i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
