i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
