i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
