the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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