think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
