i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
