I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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