you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
