i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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