david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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