I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
