My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
