when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
