I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
