i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
