I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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