I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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