If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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