I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My feet surprised me
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