Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize