A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
the raccoons are back...
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