I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
