I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
